The useless telephone interview

It takes a lot of practice to perfect the art of "making an impression" on a job interview. Some good techniques include always keeping eye contact, smiling a lot, and showing a little character and energy by "talking with your hands," not to mention dressing sharply.

Could someone please tell me how you are supposed to do any of these things over the telephone?

I lost count of how many useless "telephone screenings" I've had over the past three years, 99% of them resulting in dead silence (because companies can't even be bothered to email you a rejection email these days). Even worse, the person on the other end of the line was always some cold fish zero-personality HR idiot or recruiter doing nothing but asking questions off a checklist. As I look back on these waste-of-time phone calls, I continue to wonder what could I possibly have done different to "make an impression" here, and what exactly did the successful candidates do to pass through to a real interview (giggle profusely like an idiot? bribe them?). 

Just another mystery I will forever ponder...