Fake job alert: State Street

In August 2017 State Street advertised for a designer with Cinema 4D experience. I applied online and their "talent acquisition" department contacted me for a telephone screening, which was held on Friday, September 8. As with most telephone screenings these days, the woman on the other end of the line sounded half-asleep as she asked me the routine checklist questions like "what are your salary requirements." The call ended with her saying she would forward my application to the hiring manager. I told her to be sure they view my StinkedIn profile as one of my colleagues is a vice president at State Street, and she wrote a very nice recommendation for me. I also told her to be certain they have the login credentials to view my portfolio on my website (which I password-protect), as reviewing a designer’s portfolio is crucial when evaluating a designer’s candidacy. 

On Monday, at 4pm, I received her rejection email. 

I checked StinkedIn…NO profile view notifications. I checked my website…NO visitors. 

I emailed her via the intermediary who coordinated our call, asking what was the criteria she used to disqualify me, as it appears that nothing significant from my background was evaluated. Of course, I received no reply from her.

I sent a letter to their CEO where I accused them of using me to check off the EEO compliance box. Logic would dictate that if I was so massively unqualified for this position then they should never have wasted my time with the phone screening in the first place. A few weeks later, I got a voicemail and an email from another “talent acquisition vice president” saying she wanted to discuss the position with me. I emailed back saying they rejected me for this role, so what’s there left to discuss? She replied, “You expressed dissatisfaction with the process and I’d like to discuss this with you.” Ah, yes, of course, the issue is entirely on my end for being dissatisfied, shame on me. I replied back that I have no desire to talk to her. 

Ya know, if I wanted to deal any further with some lame-brained "talent acquisition" lackey who couldn't change a light bulb without the assistance of an algorithm, I would have written to "talent acquisition." I didn't. I wrote to the CEO. How sad that this CEO doesn't think it's his job to care about the rot that exists in his company.

Even sadder, as of February 27, 2018, the job remains advertised.

EDIT, 07/01/18: They began re-advertising the job on June 29. Ya just gotta laugh at the "All resumes must be accompanied by portfolio and/or website link" bit, when we all know that nobody from State Street will ever bother to look at a portfolio...

Thoughts on unsolicited advice

Back in 2016, I had created a Reddit discussion group for folks who fell under the "unemployable" category which was meant to be an extension of the ATH blog. A few folks did join and we shared some supportive rants among ourselves. Then, one day, some asstroll called Chocolatepark showed up, and because he's sooooo smart and has a keyboard and internet access we just HAD to hear what he had to say...

Obviously, he's looking for his "feel good" moment for the day -- "Look at me! I gave someone advice! I'm ever so smart and important, and I'll get to sleep soundly tonight knowing I 'helped' somebody!"

Okay, here's a bit of advice from me for those of you out there considering dishing out unsolicited advice across the internet about subjects of which you are completely ignorant: Don't.

My guess is that this person who claims to have been unemployed in the past experienced this unemployment way back in the good ole days, that is, the previous century when you could walk into any establishment and talk face to face with a hiring manager. As we've all learned, it's a different world now. Either that, or just the opposite, i.e., he's another twentydumbthing who thinks he knows everything just because Mark Zuckerberg said so.

Now, to pick apart a few of the gems that stand out in this load of fucknuttery...

I'm not sure where you are now but I hope you feel better. I know how you feel about the job search because I've been laid off and job searching a number of times. I know it feels hopeless.

So, just in case I'm *not* feeling better, he decides to post a 700-word rant full of personal jibes aimed at me. Makes sense!

But reading through your posts, you sound like you're in a very negative headspace - which is why you can't find a job. Hear me out.

Good grief...Yep, that's why everything happens to us in this world. It's all down to what's in our heads. Had your job outsourced to India? All your fault. Cancer diagnosis? All your fault.

You seem to think the world owes you a job.

Here we go again with that fucktarded "the world doesn't owe you a job" bullshit. I already posted my thoughts about that here.

And that everybody around you are idiots.

Over the past four years, I have encountered and continue to encounter an endless number of hiring managers / recruiters / HR reps who:

• Receive my resume and cover letter, both of which include links to my portfolio, and then proceed to ask me if I have a portfolio
• Invite me to an interview, and then keep me waiting > 15 minutes before they appear for said interview (example 1, example 2)
• Are rude to me
• Outright insult me
• Belittle me by focusing on the gap in my employment
• Contact me about a job, collect my information, then disappear forever (and, sometimes reappear, forgetting that they had previously contacted me) 
• Attempt to interview me after having done absolutely no research on my background, i.e., they couldn't be bothered to view my online portfolio (which is a necessity in hiring a designer) and sometimes they don't even read my resume (example 1, example 2)
• Have absolutely nothing job-related (or intelligent) to ask me, just generic checklist questions downloaded from the internet
• Invite me to an in-person interview for which I often must drive up to two hours each way, and then admit they've "considering an internal applicant" (in other words, they've already filled the role and they're just checking off the EEOC box)
• Fly me to Baltimore, check my references while telling me to "expect an offer by the end of the week," and then completely disappear, and then later confess that "the team decided not to hire anybody"

But, yeah, I'm the idiot here.

And that you are entitled to work. WTF?

Are we back to that "nobody owes you a job" nonsense? Sheesh, is this all the average American slob has to offer for advice these days? Seriously, WTF right backatcha!

Instead of thinking what the world owes you and how depressed you are, think about what you can offer others. Think of how you're going to solve their problems. That's how you find work.

Let's all join hands and sing "Kumbaya" now (seriously, good grief)...

Think about the last time you had to hire somebody.

I've never had to hire anybody, bozo. Never have, probably never will. Shows how much you know about me (or, how little, which is kinda funny considering how judgmental you are of me).

Sorry for raining on your parade. I know you're down and I don't mean to pile on the negativity. I've been there before. I know it sucks to be rejected and feel hopeless and go to parties where everybody else is working and bragging about what they're doing and feeling left out.

I love the "I'm sorry, but not really" bit. And, you "don't mean to pile on the negativity" when, in fact, that's exactly what you mean to do. LOL!

But you can't get a job thinking the world owes you a job.

*Sigh*...are we back to this again?

If you still want to do graphic design, print out your portfolio and start cold calling companies that need may graphic design work

Cold calling??? Good grief, this person is clueless. Even back in 1995 that didn't work. Today, the last thing anyone wants to receive is an unsolicited call. And, HR departments explicitly state "No phone calls" on their job ads, if you disregard that warning you get placed on their hiring blacklist. 

Sorry, I don't mean to be negative.

Yeah, you do. And you're not "sorry."

It's okay for you to rant. But please don't do that in front of interviewers and employers.

Now, this accusation that I or anyone in that group "ranted" or behaved unprofessionally in any way in an interview is downright bizarre. Nowhere did I or any of the other commentators admit to committing such a faux pas. So, either this kid (and I'm more inclined to believe it is just another arrogant millennial rather than a grumpy old man) just didn't bother reading the full posts and merely assumed we were guilty of this crime simply because, based on our usernames, it's obvious we are female, and OF COURSE women are ultra-hyper-neurotic creatures prone to behaving hysterically under pressure. Yep, it always boils down to emotional issues with the dumb woman.

I concluded it would have been pointless to attempt to "enlighten" him since he's already so smart. I deleted his post and blocked him, as I had promised that the group would be a "judgment-free zone" -- and one could drown in the judgment oozing from his keyboard. I also sent him a brief little message saying what I think of him.  He snapped back with "you don't really want a job." Whatever. He's gonna find out soon enough that the world doesn't spin in a logical fashion anymore. I really should just pity him. 

Amazon warehouse jobs: Hype vs. reality

We've all seen the bombardment of advertisements for Amazon lately, proclaiming that "most jobs are full-time with benefits!" 

I volunteer teach an ESL class one day a week at a local library. Recently, the woman in charge of the program was telling me about her brother who recently moved into her home as he's hit hard times. His story resembles that of so many others -- unemployed and over 50, hence, nobody wants to hire him. Amazon has a warehouse nearby where they claimed to be hiring, so he applied online. They scheduled him for an interview and then sent him a bunch of paperwork to complete in preparation for said interview. Well, quite a few of the questions required that he reveal his age (date of birth, social security #). After submitting the completed paperwork back to them, they CANCELED his interview and sent him a rejection letter.

A few weeks later when Amazon held one of their "bigly awesome" walk-in hiring events at the same location, he decided to drop by and ask them WTF. Well, they caved, gave him the required drug test (which he passed), and hired him.

Part-time, NO benefits, third shift.

Let's never forget, folks, these are desperation jobs. The promise by Amazon of "growth and development" is pure bullshit -- growth and development out of what? Picking out boxes to ship junk to rich fucks for a salary out of 1992? What fabulous career will that to lead to in the long run? How exactly do you grow professionally cooped up in a warehouse doing the same menial mindless repetitive crap over and over? The only growth I'm seeing with this kind of "opportunity" is to grow angry and bitter at what this country has become.

There is no putting lipstick on any of the pigs in this sty of "opportunities."

See third and last paragraphs in this comment from a story about Amazon in The New York Times...

Galen College of Nursing

Galen College of Nursing's ATS is everything that's wrong with employers' attitudes today.

It starts by demanding your salary requirements (and everyone wonders why salaries have been stagnant for so long). Then, it throws in the first disqualifier. If you admit you're unemployed, REJECT...

If you lucky enough to be employed...what fucking right does this corporation have in invading your professional space by asking to contact your employer???

Next, they demand the personal information of your colleagues and clients, information that can be misused and abused in the wrong hands.

Next is the employment history. There's the offensive-as-hell demand for salary history (illegal to ask this now in MA, MN, and a few other places), and yet another demand to contact your supervisor. Are they planning to tell him/her what you typed in the "Reason for Leaving" box?

And, finally, we wrap it up with the ultra-offensive demand for an explanation of gaps in employment. 

I've already shared my thoughts on the topic of "employment gaps" in an earlier post. 

I keep asking, how does a member of the new and oh-so-wonderful gig economy complete an application like this.

After reaching my point of complete disgust, I closed the window and sent them a message via their Facebook page, "I was interested in submitting my resume in response to your ad for a multimedia specialist, but after getting very frustrated with your ATS I gave up and closed my browser window. Is there a human being to whom I can directly send my resume to be reviewed?"

After five days, I still had not yet received a reply. I sent another message, "I find it incredibly sad that you couldn't be bothered to reply to my very simple message...One last thing -- please tell your HR department that demanding a person's current salary in a job application is now ILLEGAL here in MA. It's just a matter of time before that law elevates to the national level, so I strongly recommend you remove that offensive aspect of your online application. It's costing you good applicants (I myself walked away from applying)."

This finally prompted a reply from them: "We apologize for not getting back to you sooner.  Every applicant must apply through our online application process.  Can you please provide me with your number and I will have someone from HR to reach out to you for assistance?"

In other words, no, I can't send an old-fashioned resume to anyone, because they're too dumb to know how to read it. Gotta have that ATS do it all for 'em. What a sad state this country is in.

Thoughts on "gaps in employment"

Some time back in 2015, I stumbled across an epically awesome comment left in a StinkedIn article from an unemployed engineer (from what I recall, he was a structural engineer in his 40s). I failed to nab a screenshot, so I'm going to try my best to reconstruct it here. It quite nicely conveys what I think of insensitive/clueless HR twats and hiring managers who demand to know every facet of our lives today...

I'm not certain where prospective employers get off. If a person takes six months off from working because they have savings in the bank and simply want to take six months off, then that’s all there is to it, and no they don’t have to be "learning something job related" or anything else. If they climbed rocks then that’s what they did. If they learned to play chess or a whole new programming language, then that’s what they did. If you’re not on my birth certificate, marriage certificate, or in my will AND you don’t pay my salary then I don’t have a responsibility to "account" to you for anything. I have two things to do in this life. Live my life, and die. Everything else is an opt-in and if you’re seriously more concerned with hearing explanations about six months that weren’t job related than 20 years that were, then validate parking and I’ll be on my way.

How to answer the stupid question of "Why did you apply for this job?"

Yes, it IS a stupid question to ask a job applicant. For those who disagree, let me pose THIS question: When your toilet backs up and the plumber you called arrives, do you stop him at the door and say, "Before you enter my house, I want you to tell me why you want to fix my toilet?"

WGBH: For a company that begs for a living, they sure are picky

Let's see...first, they reject you because you have no current employer (either you're self-employed or *gasp* unemployed)...next, they reject you for having "too much" experience...finally they reject you for making too much money (not that it's any of their business how much money you currently earn)...

Silly questions from Sciex

Of course, there's the offensive and tacky demand for your current salary, but for now we'll put that one aside (hopefully, the state-level laws forbidding this question in Massachusetts and Minnesota will be elevated to the national level soon, at which point we'll revisit this one to see if they comply). Let's look at the next question with the lovely typo, "Why do you want to apply for his position?" I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this is a dumb question to ask a job applicant. To those hiring managers who disagree, let me pose this question: When your toilet backs up and the plumber you called arrives, do you stop him at the door and say, "Before you enter my house, I want you to tell me why you want to fix my toilet?"

Sanofi really cares about your current manager being informed

Anthem really gets serious in demanding salary requirements

The Smithsonian demands your date of birth and SS# in its job application

More of the stupid in Stinkassachusetts

I recently stumbled across yet another display of stupidity in Stinkassachusetts. Here's a "confidential" job posting on Indeed, with a serious shitload of bullets (29)...

For those who don't see any problems here, look closely at that box in the upper right corner...

Good job posting anonymously, Fusion Design Consultants. Maybe next time you'll get it right.

Happy Independence Day from Verizon

I just love getting rejection emails on holidays. This one comes courtesy of Verizon (note the date in the right side of the header):

What I found more appalling than the timing of this email (and the fact they didn't proofread it -- "and hope you'll continue" should read "and we hope you'll continue") was the fact that I had applied for this job way back on January 11. After six months, was this email even necessary?

One final observation is that I never expected anything but a rejection email, considering they judge you based on what year you graduated:

Merry Christmas from Lexia Learning / Rosetta Stone

Having already been mistreated once before by Rosetta Stone, I really should have known better than to have applied to their Lexia Learning branch. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

I applied for their senior graphic designer position on October 7, 2016. As expected, they showed zero interest in my design background, my qualifications, my eLearning experience, or even my teaching certificate. Here's the rejection email I received a few months later; note the date in the right hand side of the header:

I decided to send them a message via their Facebook page, "To send a job rejection email to candidates on Christmas Day is the epitome of tastelessness." Here's Useless Reply #1 that I received via Facebook Messenger:

I'm very sorry to hear about this experience you've had. Please know that I will be passing along your frustrations to the appropriate people on our team, and I will work with them so that we can prevent something like this from happening in the future. Thank you for reaching out to us, and have a nice day.

And, here's Useless Reply #2 which came via email a few days later:

I want to follow up with you regarding the rejection email you received from our recruiting team on Christmas day.

First, I want to reiterate our apologies to you for this disappointing experience. We have the utmost respect for people who are interested in joining Lexia, and we strive to handle our communications with sensitivity and care. We are sorry if we failed to meet this standard in our earlier communications with you.

The email notices regarding hiring determinations are sent out automatically 2 days after a decision is made. The person who made the hiring decision for the Senior Graphic Designer position you applied for failed to realize that the timing of their decision on Friday (12/23) would lead to rejection notices being sent out on Christmas. I have communicated to them the impact of their oversight here, and the understandable frustrations you’ve expressed, and I am working with our  recruiting team to make sure that a similar situation does not occur again.

Thank you for pursuing this opportunity with Lexia and should you have any questions or if you wish to discuss further opportunities, please don't hesitate to reach out to me directly. Thank you again for your time and I wish you the very best as you continue to explore career opportunities.

Ah, yes, "the dog ate my homework" has been replaced with "the algorithm did it!" which really comes in handy in Stinkassachusetts, where not having the intellectual capacity to "realize" that December 23 plus two days equals December 25 makes one fully qualified to be in charge of making the big decisions. 

VentureFizz welcomes Chewy.com to its fake job site

I've previously mentioned Boston's premiere fake job portal, VentureFizz, where Boston start-ups post non-existent jobs whilst boasting of hammocks (Formlabs has been advertising the same dumb design job since December 2014), ping-pong tables, and "open" work spaces, all "perks" that are better geared for kindergarteners. For some strange reason, Chewy decided it's a good idea to jump on the "let's advertise fake jobs" bandwagon. They advertised for a graphic designer in the Boston area back in March 2017. Here it is courtesy of LinkedIn's aggregator:

Three months later, here's the same job on VentureFizz:

Seriously, if anyone out there is dumb enough to still fall for this nonsense, then they deserve what they get.

Fake job alert: American Tower

Like so many unethical companies in Stinkassachusetts, American Tower is always advertising for a senior designer. Here's the latest, posted on April 19, 2017:

I first applied back in July 2015, and was met with dead silence. Five months later, in December, they advertised it yet again. Instead of applying, I sent them a little email (addressed to recruiting@americantower.com which, like American Well's, is probably not administered by a human being). Note the part where I mentioned that a recruiter actually reached out to me about this job:

Last July I applied for the position of senior designer via your website (confirmation forwarded below). I am a designer with 17 years of experience in the field, and I met every qualification in the job description. Yet, I was not even worthy of a telephone screening from your HR department. I was also contacted by a recruiter “about an awesome design opportunity in Woburn,” and I told them that if it’s American Tower, don’t bother because they rejected me (the recruiter was shocked by this).

I see now, five months later, that this exact same job is being advertised yet again on your website as well as on LinkedIn. I find this quite strange.

I have begun collecting unemployment and, as a requirement, had to meet with a career counselor at the local job center. I laughed when he demonstrated the job search results on their website’s job search tool which included the above-referenced position in the listings. I pointed at it and told him that I applied and received zero response from you. He suggested I call your HR department and ask why. Of course, I laughed at this archaic advice. But, in this age of quick communication via social media, I have decided to take his advice and reach out to you and ask you specifically why you so quickly and easily rejected my application.

I told the career counselor that you most likely rejected me due to my advanced old age ("between 4-6 years of experience required" means nobody over the age of 30 need apply), but I will give you the chance to tell me otherwise. I await your response which I am going to share with him when we meet again in a few weeks. I’d also love to hear why it’s taking HALF A YEAR to fill a simple design role, especially where there is no shortage of designers looking for work.

Needless to say, I received no response. [This waltz down memory lane also triggers lovely memories of my experience dealing with the state of Rhode Island's dismal and dated unemployment office. I keep attempting to write about it in a separate post, but my shock/anger/disbelief at the level of cluelessness and incompetence in that place continues to cloud my ability to coherently put my memories into words (and it doesn't do my blood pressure any good). Maybe one day I'll summon the strength to document what I experienced and observed there (along with the equally useless/inept "One Stop Career Center" in neighboring Stinkassachusetts).]

Fake job alert: (Fake) Jobs for the Future

This company advertised for a senior graphic designer back in August 2016. I applied, and received a prompt rejection from their "HR generalist." Four months later, in December, they advertised it again. Today (June 5, 2017), I see it has returned to their "Careers" page. Here it is courtesy of StinkedIn's aggregator (as no doubt the one on their "Careers" page will disappear as quickly as it reappears). 

The dippy-looking girl shown as their contact is the same one who sent me the rejection email last year.  I don't know why, but I feel rather dirty knowing that some clown like this was looking at and passing judgement on my background/qualifications.

Fake job alert: American Well

I first applied for a presentations/print designer job at this company back in June 2015. Never heard from them.

One year later (July 2016), they advertised the identical job with the exception being the title which was changed to "Director of Visual Design, Presentations & Business Graphics." Since it was the exact same job (and I was still fully qualified), I foolishly applied. Again, heard nothing. When I saw this dumb job was still unfilled a few months later, I sent them a nice little email asking what kind of game they are playing. I addressed it to jobs@americanwell.com which is given on their website and which, I'm guessing, is probably not administered by a human being as I received no reply (and not even an anonymous snoop on my StinkedIn profile).

I was recently chatting online with another disillusioned Boston job seeker, and he shared with me a comment he made on some local tech site about the dismal Boston job market:
   

I would argue that it's more than a "trickle" of problem-child companies like American Well (note how many "fake job alerts" I share here). The design job I mentioned above has finally been removed from their website. As for the remaining "jobs" shown there, anyone who hands over their personal data aka resume to this fraudulent company is truly a fool.

PureTechHealth: Boston companies like 'em stupid

I recently came across this job posted on Indeed by some company called PureTechHealth.

Based on the skills/experience listed, it's evident they want an *experienced* designer here, someone who knows what the hell they're doing. Yet, take a look at that first bullet under "Desired Skills and Experience:"

One to three years. Wow. So, anyone perfectly qualified with a serious track record of experience in design (that's more than 3 years) get disqualified. Let's call this out for what it is here: Age discrimination. One year of experience = we want a 22-year-old kid for the job. Yeah, good luck with that, guys.

Finally, upon hitting the "Apply now" button and submitting my resume, I get a screen asking me the following question:

Gee, it was manually posted on Indeed, and it is through Indeed that I'm submitting my resume now, so...where the fuck do you think I heard about it? Seriously, are people in Boston really this stupid? (Yeah, rhetorical question.)

Fake job alert: MFS Investment Management

MFS Investment Management has been advertising the same Senior Designer job since at least December 2016. I applied for it and was promptly ignored. Here is one of the ads for this job when it was listed under MAR02184 at that time (they changed ATSs and my application from that time is now gone).

They advertised it again in March 2017, playing the standard game of "just change the job number and perhaps nobody will notice." Too bad I noticed that MAR02184 had turned into MFS-000160004. This is a good time for me to demonstrate how useless their Workday ATS is in this exercise. Here's what I get when I click on the "My Applications" page:

Note the redundant usage of the word "Welcome." Clearly, the first line is meant to include the applicant's first name. Also, that "Status: Under consideration" bit is complete nonsense; anyone who believes that they could possibly be "under consideration" for a job for which they applied three months ago is a nincompoop. 

Finally, when I click on the job number in hopes of obtaining the job description, here's what I get:

????

I'm forced to conclude these people either don't know how to set up their own ATS, or they're just lazy (probably a bit of both).

Fast forward to today, Here we are in June 2017, with the exact same job "newly" posted with a different number, MFS-170079 (full screenshot provided for future reference, i.e., when they advertise the same job again in three months).

Simply further evidence that Boston continues to suck big time.

Re-education camps for 21st century America

It’s been quite a few years since the Great Recession supposedly ended, and various "workshops" “for discouraged workers continue to appear on my radar. I came across several this week, one in Stinkassachusetts (Operation Able) and the other in RI (Tech Force RI). They both triggered a flood of warm ‘n’ fuzzy memories of my investigation into similar "back to work" programs a few years back.

One was called Platform to Employment. I remember scrutinizing their website trying to understand exactly how they help someone like myself (BS degree, decades of experience) find a job in my field.

Platform to Employment empowers individuals, fosters self-sufficiency and focuses on performance improvements with measurable outcomes. We help participants discover their true potential while providing employers flexible and highly trained workers who can think critically, act independently and work in teams!

What a bunch of gibberish. And, oh, those poor employers who, until now, just couldn’t find workers capable of thinking critically, acting independently, and working in teams! (Quite frankly, I’ve concluded no employer wants a worker who does any of those things, as that would make them a threat to the corporate hierarchy.)

My curiosity still piqued, I decided to send them the following message via their Facebook page:

You state on your website, "Upon completion, P2E helps participants find open positions at local companies and offers an eight-week, paid work experience." It is my observation that there simply are no opportunities for a senior-level graphic designer in the state of Rhode Island (or Massachusetts, for that matter). I realized not long after becoming unemployed in 2013 that I had to leave this area if I wanted to work again, but every out-of-state application I've submitted has been ignored.

I'm just curious as to how you would be able to "help find open positions at local companies" when, based on my own experience, there simply are no open positions in my field in the New England area...?

Here’s their response:

Sorry to learn about your employment challenges. The foundation of P2E is a 5 week program which helps people focus and improve their job search. While many look to re-enter prior occupation that is not always possible. For others it may be a matter of identifying and leveraging transferable skills to enter new employment.

In other words, they don’t help you find a job in your field. Instead, they assist you with dumbing down your resume, lowering your expectations and thoroughly breaking your spirit to prepare you in your transition to an exciting new career in one of the only two worlds left for unemployables, (1) minimum wage retail, or (2) customer service with a 1992 salary (~$12/hr).

I see some striking parallels to the re-education camps of post-war Vietnam, where members of the non-peasant class were rounded up and placed in these camps to “learn about the ways of the new government." Just replace “new government” with “new economy” and forced labor with networking techniques, i.e., make a pest of yourself to anyone who still has a job.  

I came to the same conclusion with another group, Job Club RI. I sent an email to the guy in charge and we spoke on the phone; he exhibited little sympathy for my situation and couldn't offer much advice other than to sternly lecture me about my 1,000+ rejections that “when you get a rejection forget it and move on” (yeah, really helpful, dude). He also did not share the details of what sort of magic wand this workshop will give me to wave at companies and compel them to view my online application.

Here are a few entries in the list of topics the workshop covers, along with my respective commentary:

• Resume Development

My resume doesn’t need any further “development,” as I’ve already consulted with and paid two top consultants for this, resulting in a resume that routinely scores over 90% in the keyword game according to Jobscan.

• Elevator Speech

You can’t give an elevator speed through Taleo, BrassRing, Jobvite, etc.

• Interview Questions

What good does this do when you can’t get an interview (because the company doesn’t look at your application – which is, of course, because the job they’re advertising isn’t a real job to begin with)?

• Best Job Search Websites

There’s no such thing as a “best job search website,” as the majority of jobs advertised on them are completely fake. The only way to get a job in America today is through good old fashioned cronyism, i.e. “know the right person.”

• Networking Skills

One harsh lesson I’ve learned is that if you don’t already have a “strong network” when you become unemployed, you’re screwed. So, any advice on “networking skills” for the unemployed is pretty much useless.

• LinkedIn Review

Anyone who still thinks StinkedIn can help get you a job is truly out of touch.

Again, I concluded that this yet another “embrace your shiny new future as a member of America’s low wage peasant class and you’d better be grateful for such an opportunity” camp.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh, maybe we could all use a little spirit-breaking re-educating…

BlackBerry: It's full of pits

Last week, I received a rejection email from BlackBerry. At first, I couldn’t recall having applied there, but, after digging through my email folders, I eventually discovered that the rejection was for a job for which I applied way back in 2015.

The tardiness of this email combined with its piss-poor composition compelled me to have a little fun at their expense...

_______

BlackBerry Corporation

ATTN: CEO / Executive Team

6700 Koll Center Parkway, #200

Pleasanton, CA  94566

Ladies/Gentlemen:

I am writing in regards to the rejection email I received on May 11, 2017 to an application I submitted in July 2015 (see attached printout).

The grammatical errors in this email are not only shameful but, quite frankly, disturbing. These include the following:

“Thank you for your recent application in regards to the Creative Services Designer position.”

I find your definition of “recent” to be bizarre. I applied for this position in July 2015. I do not consider two years ago as "recent."

“Your application has been reviewed by our Recruitment team, and although your talent is valued...”

Any high school graduate should know that the comma clearly belongs after “and,” as in,

“…although your talent is valued…”

This is a strange choice of words, especially considering that you saw nothing of “value” in my professional background.

“…it has been decided not to proceed with your application.”

The second half of this phrase is missing the subject of the infinitive + verb “to proceed.” The correct wording would be,

“We hope that you will remain interested in working at BlackBerry and consider other suitable opportunities that arise in the future.”

It is quite presumptuous of you to assume I would still be interested in your corporation after two years.

I have concluded that, based on the terrible composition of this email combined with the fact that nobody from your organization even reviewed my application (my portfolio did not receive a single visitor from any BlackBerry IP address), BlackBerry only seeks to hire the most uneducated and inept of applicants. This could possibly explain why BlackBerry has been rendered irrelevant and obsolete in the tech world.

________

I included a printout of the offending rejection email, onto which I scribbled a note saying that I do NOT want to receive any correspondence or apology from their recruitment team as this letter is NOT addressed to their recruitment team. If BlackBerry's Executive Team doesn't think it's their job to care about what's going on in their company, then their problems go even further than what I've heard in tech news. It will be interesting to see whether they'll honor my request to NOT just drop my letter into an interoffice envelope addressed to "Recruiting." 

IBM: This dinosaur truly deserves to go extinct

In October 2016 I applied for job #65867BR (senior designer) with this dinosaur company who probably should have gone extinct a long time ago. On November 9, I had a telephone "interview" with one of their internal recruiters who sounded half asleep during the call. In addition to having fully met all the standard design skills/experience requirements listed in the ad, I felt I was a perfect candidate due to two additional aspects of this job. Number one, it was remote, to which I am no stranger (and I am fully equipped to do so). Number two, the job required traveling 75% of the time; this seemed like a pretty astonishingly high number but I'm single with no kids (and, at age 49, that will never change) so I can easily perform that aspect of the job with no issues. I attempted to sell both of these points to her, but in her semi-catatonic state she didn't react or seem impressed. She also couldn't answer a single question I had about the finer details of the job, such as what versions (PC or Mac) of the required software is the team using. At the end of the brief call she said she'd pass along my information to the hiring manager and that I should hear something in about a month. Of course, I sent her the standard groveling "thank you" email, to which she did not reply.

The next few weeks went by with no further communication from her. In December I saw the job reappear on the job boards, this time with a different job number (#72177BR), so I logged in to my IBM profile which revealed that my application was “no longer under consideration.” 

I remember the day when recruiters and HR departments would give you feedback from the hiring manager and tell you why you weren't chosen for the job. This actually helps both the applicant as well as the hiring company. For example, I recall one HR rep telling me the team decided to go with another applicant because I came across as being "too serious" during the interview; so, okay, now I know that company only wants plastic people who smile all the time, and that's definitely not me, I'll avoid applying at that company again in the future and they won't have to worry about wasting their time with this non-plastic "too serious" applicant ever again. See? Both sides benefit from the feedback process.

I sent a brief and to-the-point email to the twat, saying, “It would have been nice to have received some sort of communication in follow-up to our phone call as to why I was deemed ‘unqualified’ for this role. I don't think I'll bother looking for employment with IBM again.” I received no reply. So, I sent off a letter to the CEO accusing them of age discrimination, which resulted in my getting a cold and, quite frankly, poorly written email from their "Lead for Talent Acquisition in North America." 

Your note to Ginni was forwarded to my attention in that I am the leader for Talent Acquisition for NA. I am sorry to hear about your experience as you should have received a communication to indicate our decision. I have addressed this matter with the individual as necessary. Please know that IBM makes hiring decisions without regard to age, sex, minority status or other inappropriate factors. I know this is not the response you are looking for, however, the fact of the matter is that IBM jobs are quite competitive -- many have large numbers of qualified candidates applying. As a result, many qualified candidates are turned away. I invite you to continue to apply for positions that match your qualifications and wish you the best in that endeavor.

What a piss-poor excuse for an apology. I particularly love how her excuse for my disqualification was to whine about how each job they advertise receives "large numbers of qualified candidates applying. As a result, many qualified candidates are turned away..." Well, gee, if that job for which I applied received sooooooooooo many applicants, why the need to re-advertise the same damned job month after month (this job was still being advertised in January 2017)? And, just what criteria are they using to disqualify so many candidates? Why was I even "qualified" for the telephone screening to begin with? Good grief.

[I'd like to point out that I did not write to IBM’s talent(less) acquisition department, I wrote to the CEO. How very sad that this CEO doesn’t think it’s her job to care about what’s going on in her own company. A sign of the times, I suppose.] 

I shared this experience in the comments section of this article on Wolfstreet.com about IBM in January 2017. Some of the replies I received were quite insightful…

This is straight out of the “How to game H-1B” playbook. You have a position or positions to fill but you are adamant about not hiring any over-priced Americans. What do you do? 1. Advertise the position(s) in the local paper of record. Describe the requirements in such arcane and wholly unrealistic terms in which no human being could possibly meet the criteria. 2. Maybe interview a few patsys just to keep up appearances. 3. After a couple of months with the advertised position still unfilled, you have a legitimate “resource problem”. Dagnabit! there are just no qualified Americans to fill the position. You are now free to look abroad. 4. Miracle of miracles, you have an application from an H-1B candidate which matches the job requirements to a T. Not only will the candidate work for 1/2 or 1/3 of an American, they are indentured to your company and cannot leave. 5. Profit! The reality of course is that the actual process occurs in reverse. You have a skills need so you contact WiPro or Infosys and identify a candidate. You go through the motions of attempting to hire locally, only to hire the H-1B as initially intended. 

But no, the system isn’t broken.

Here's confirmation of the fake jobs phenomenon:

I had an older friend from my last true employer who worked in the HR field of a large transnational. As he got older, he claims he was basically “put out to pasture” until he retired in 2014. He let it slip once that a number of job postings they advertise for don’t actually exist and essentially used to send a message to white collar employees that they are replaceable. The postings were sent internally and to recruitment websites simultaneously, which was actually against established company policy as postings are to go internal first.

Finally, there was this comment that should make us all grin like Cheshire cats:

Those HR ladies are on their way to getting outsourced as well, from what I’ve read. Many companies already do their HR in India. Now they’ll get to feel some of the pain they help cause.

Since then, I’ve come across numerous reports about massive layoffs at Big Blue BS, and today I see this gem: IBM to remote workers: Head back to the office or leave. Recall that this job was remote. If this job was real, then I can only imagine how pissed off the person they hired is right now after being promised a remote job…