Kids, step away from the graphic design degree

Back in 1996, my first design instructor told my class, “When you turn 40 you can forget about finding work in this field.” Twenty years later, having spent three years unemployed and searching for work (and over a decade with no permanent job) and having amassed enough application/interview horror stories to fill a book, I can confirm that what she said is a sad reality for many “dinosaur” designers like me. This reality becomes even more painful when you combine an already sick industry with a now sick economy and very sick hiring practices.

Why did I not listen to that instructor? Why did I pursue graphic design as a career? Well, simply put, I fell for the 20th century scam ideology of “do what you love to do!” and “you gotta be happy fulfilled/blahblahblah in your job!” Folks, this is a crock. While you’re young (which today means under the age of 39), it’s easy to be duped into believing this still commonly regurgitated dogma when suffering from the blind optimism that comes with being young. But, make no mistake, the only people who can pursue this “dream” are those who never need to worry about money and have a guaranteed lifetime source of income to pay the bills, i.e., a spouse or trust fund. If you are single and not wealthy, it is a seriously dangerous gamble. You may have fun for a decade or two, but sooner or later you will hit that magical age of “too old” faster than the blink of an eye. Yes, kids, you WILL GET OLD. Then, what?

Now, of course, none of you young kids are going to listen to me – it’ll be different for you! (Funny, that’s just what my entire classroom said, including me.) And most certainly I will be met with scoffing messages from those who have waltzed through the Great Recession completely unscathed, “Well, I’m over 39 and I’m doing’ JUST FINE! So, clearly the problem is with YOU!” Ya know, I’ve heard this line so many times these past few years, not from designers per se but from those who have never once been unemployed (“well, my wife/kid/neighbor had no trouble finding a job, so it’s clearly you!”). It makes me pose the question that if someone is dying of cancer, do you tell them, “Well I’VE NEVER HAD CANCER! So it’s clearly something wrong with you!” Seriously, where does this “I’ve never seen it so it can’t be real” line of thought come from?

To the aforementioned scoffers, piss off. To those brave and naive souls embarking on a career in design, I am here to share some observations on what you can expect in your new design career, followed by tips on how to make your transition to “unemployable peasant” a little more tolerable when the time arrives.

OBSERVATIONS

On salaries: My very first design job was back in 1997; it was a temporary gig and paid $17.50/hour. Over the next 15 years I worked my way up to eventually earn three times that amount until that all ended in 2013. In the years following the Great Recession, I saw advertised salaries and hourly rates tumble. I now routinely see jobs advertised that pay closer to what that 1997 gig paid. I have even seen a few that pay less than what I earned as a secretary ($12/hr) back in 1992. 

On “rock star with just the right amount of sparkly and swagger” job descriptions: Typical graphic design job descriptions will include plenty of nonsense, including:

• Statements like “3 to 5 years of experience required.”  Putting a maximum number of years on experience is an easy way of saying “no one over the age of 30 need apply.”
• Computer programming skills, i.e., javascript, php, sql, etc. Why hire two people to help create your digital brand, when one programmer who knows Adobe CC will do just fine? This plays well into why the current ugly “flat design” trend is so popular – because anyone can do it, hence it’s cheap.
• A boatload of bullet points indicating they want a “jack of all trades,” but expect to be disqualified for being “overqualified” (AKA a “jack of all trades”).  Here’s my favorite example of a “bullets gone wild” job post – 54 bullets. This job disturbed me because I did indeed meet all 54 bulleted requirements, and yet I still was not worthy of being contacted by the recruiter.
• Some seriously STUPID adjectives and phrases like “fresh” (under the age of 25), “lives and breathes design” (has no life outside of work), “award-winning” (if I’ve won awards, why on earth would I be bothering with your dumb company?) and “rock star” (I still don’t know what this means…regularly come to work drunk and trash the office?).

Here’s probably the most pathetic example, posted by The Princeton Review, asking for “just the right amount of sparkly" and "swagger:"

Do you think they programmed that field into their ATS? And, how does one gauge whether their level of sparkly and swagger are “just the right amount?” Can you buy some sort of measuring device at Home Depot?

On interviews:  Expect to be interviewed by 24-year-old “air head chicky poos” who have no clue how to conduct themselves professionally and who have no clue about what they are looking to hire. Now, as long as you yourself remain in the twentysomething age bracket, this shouldn’t be too much of an issue. But when you reach “too old” and the airhead chicky poo is half your age, well, it never ends well. 

My favorite line from a telephone screening with one of these dimwits went as follows:

Chicky poo: Are you experienced in Adobe Creative Suite? 

Me:  Yes, I am.

Chicky poo: Are you experienced in Illustrator?  

Me: Um, Illustrator is a part of Adobe, sweetheart. 

On begging for the job: Be prepared to constantly be “proving yourself” as part of the hiring process via the form of a design test. Sometimes it’s just a condescending software test to make sure you know what buttons to click (because throughout your 18 years of experience on your resume, it’s still possible that you faked your way through Photoshop). Sometimes it goes further and the “test” they give you equates to doing work for free. Never mind that you are expected to perform this free creative project without the benefit of a face-to-face creative consult and that such a request is insulting, demeaning, etc. Assuming you perform their little “test,” you have now provided this company with free work that they can reuse to their heart’s content, AND you still don’t get the job (many times you won’t even receive a follow-up email from the hiring manager with any feedback whatsoever).


ADVICE

You’ve now read my warnings on why you should not become a graphic designer. Since you’re going to ignore everything I’ve said (because it’ll be different for you!), here are some tips on preparing for the future while you pursue your pipe dream of “doing what you love.”

Tip #1: NEVER MOVE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE. The early years when you’re young are the years you will be most successful; this is a time to hoard hoard hoard every penny you make -- when you become “too old” you’re going to need them! Remember, you can’t miss what you never had; nothing hurts worse than losing your independence after 25 years.

Tip #2: MARRY SOMEONE RICH. Self-explanatory.  Remember, the “fun” careers are now reserved for the rich only.

Tip #3: HAVE CHILDREN – and do this before you are 30. My biggest regret is that I truly believed I could be happy in life with just a career, so when I failed to meet any decent guys in this horrible state of Stinkassachusetts and resigned myself to a life of being alone, I decided to focus on my career for fulfillment in life. But when my career ended and I was left with NOTHING – too old for a job, too old for a date, too old to have kids – it sent me into a serious downward spiral.

I cry for a few minutes every single day, and I will probably do so for the rest of my life.

Putting the emotional aspect aside, there are also financial incentives to follow this advice. By the time you finally admit your design career is over due to being “too old” and accept some minimum wage shit job in retail, your kids will most likely now be over 21 and will probably have found gainful employment of their own (remember, twentysomethings rule this economy, the world belongs to them!), and that’s bonus income. Guilt trip them into not moving out (for example, threaten to have a yard sale and sell their childhood stuff and bedroom furniture). Ah, yes, communal living, driving for Uber...what a great time to be alive.

Tip #4: Avoid the state of Stinkassachusetts. I’d actually recommend this to everyone in ANY field at all…this state is decrepit (See next post). In fact, by avoiding Stinkassachusetts you greatly improve your chances of not dying alone and childless as I will (see Tips #2 and #3).

“House Hunters” even did an episode about this -- see s38e10, “Change of Scenery to Chicago,” in which a single middle-aged Boston woman gets fed up with the horrible Boston dating scene. The last scene of the show has her saying, “The dating scene in Chicago definitely blows Boston out of the water.  Over the last four months, I've been out on several dates with seven different guys.  And compared to Boston, I did two dates in two years, so it's definitely a step in the right direction.” Why the hell didn’t I follow this woman’s lead and get the fuck out of here?

Tip #5: ALWAYS HAVE THAT NEW CAREER IN "SOMETHING ELSE" READY TO GO, so when the end arrives you can dive right in, rather than being left scratching your head and asking “what now?” Be careful, because you have no idea how limited your choices will be when that time comes. Applying for any kind of semi-decent office job will be futile (the brainless HR rep will just glance at your most recent work experience and deem you unfit to answer phones). I myself applied to over 150 general office jobs (secretary, data entry, customer service, even fuckin’ factory assembler) over an eight-week span in mid-2013, the only response I got was for that awesome data entry job with the circa 1986 salary. So what if I type 130wpm and am proficient in Office and Adobe Suite…shit, I couldn’t even qualify for an interview for a typist position at the local state prison.

Tip #6: WORK ON GETTING CITIZENSHIP FROM OTHER COUNTRIES. You have to do this while you’re young, as all “working holiday” visas are for those under 30. (Tip: If you have a parent with EU citizenship, you can apply for dual citizenship and then you can live AND work anywhere in Europe.)

Tip #7: DON’T GET SICK, AND, IF YOU DO, GO TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR TREATMENT. Health insurance in America is the one biggest scam ever invented.

In January 2011 I saw a dermatologist over a skin issue and he freaked out over a suspicious mole he saw on my back, “That has to come out!” My first question was “will my insurance cover it” (not “do I have cancer”), and his staff assured me it would be covered. I also called Blue Cross and they confirmed that, yes, it’s “covered.” I had the mole removed, and one month later received a bill for $400 from my doctor, saying BC deemed the mole removal TWO procedures – the first procedure was removing the mole, the second was – get this – the STITCHING of the mole. And my plan does NOT allow for TWO “medical procedures” to be performed in the same day, hence the bill. (The previous year, BC’s CEO got an $8.6 million bonus. So BC can give their FUCKING CEO AN $8.6M BONUS BUT CAN’T COVER A  SIMPLE MOLE REMOVAL…yeah, right.)

In October 2013, my doctor ordered a CT scan for me after I was nearly hospitalized from having severe abdominal pain for several days. One month later I get the bill: CT scan cost $2730, insurance covers $2000 = I’m left with a bill for $730. 

In May 2015, I underwent a colonoscopy just to make sure I don’t have cancer (the aforementioned abdominal pain turned out to be diverticulitis). Again, my first question to the doctor was will this be covered by my insurance, and the answer was yes. One month later, I received a bill for $1,300. I had to pay this amount because I had a “previous diagnosis.” Had I just gone in and requested the colonoscopy out of the blue for no reason whatsoever, there would have been no bill. 

Each time, I could’ve taken a vacation in fuckin’ Mexico and had these procedures done there for less.

Tip #8: SPEND YOUR YOUTH LIVING AS MINIMALLY AS POSSIBLE. I mean, live like you already make that 1986 salary – no fancy cell phone, no cable TV, no new clothes. Hoard every penny you have, because you’re going to need it. And don’t expect your 401K to be worth squat when you hit 40 aka retirement age. BTW, for those still clueless, the 401K market is a fucking scam (seriously, watch this ep of Frontline). 

In conclusion, become a graphic designer if you are filthy rich and/or have access to the fountain of youth. Otherwise, I suggest you start getting excited by the thought of applying for minimum wage shelf-stocker at Target and moving into your mom’s basement twenty years after you moved out (oh, and expect to be rejected by Target, I’ve learned they don’t hire anyone over 35). If you’re still not convinced on what a bad career choice this is, please spend some time reading the inspiring stories in the “Graphic designer needs a change” thread over on the Indeed forum.

I will devote the remainder of my life to steering kids away from this horrible horrible field. The world is cruel, never more cruel than if you’re over the age of 40, single and unemployed.  I hope I live long enough to see that the role of graphic design has gone the way of the milkman and the gandy dancer.