Archive of stupid from A to Z, Part 2

C-4 Analytics

My experience “interviewing” here was so bad it was beyond shocking.

I applied for a presentation designer job here in spring 2014. I had seen this job repeatedly appear in the job boards numerous times over the past few years. That alone should have been a red flag (why the high turnover?). But I still applied, and was invited to come in for an interview.

I arrived on time, exited the elevator to their floor, and was greeted by…a foosball table. Turning to the left towards the door, I was met by…a ping-pong table. Hoo-boy.

Sure enough, there was nothing but children running around like crazy in this place – seriously, I did not see one person over the age of 30. The HR rep (a twentysomething girl) came out and immediately led me to the owner's office. I can concur with what one Glassdoor reviewer said; he was not a nice man. He greeted me from behind his desk, and coldly asked me if I have a copy of my resume whilst looking down at his nails. I handed it to him, he scrutinized it for a second, then asked me if I have an online portfolio. My blood pressure spiked up a little here, because (1) my URL is right there on my resume, and (2) this is something he should have looked at before I arrived. He asked me how good I am at researching on the internet. You mean, “Googling?” Yeah, I’m pretty good at Googling. He began poking around my website and then asked if it has any PPT samples. I explained I can’t post those publicly as they consist of confidential material but I’ve got printouts right here in my printed portfolio which I began to pull out -- and he held up his hand and ordered me to stop right there, saying in a disgusted manner, “Don’t bother.” Whoa.

And then his cell phone rang – and, yes, he took the call. Oh, but he said “sorry about that” afterwards, so that just makes it all okay.

His next question aligns with the aforementioned reviewer’s comment and is where I should have walked out: “What’s your salary requirements?" Really? That is so inappropriate to ask at this stage in an interview, your HR rep should be the one asking this question (along with making sure you had my resume). We haven’t even talked about the damned job you’re trying to fill, you didn’t really ask me a single question about my design skills, and you haven’t shown me samples of your presentations/slides…whatever.

Next, he said he wanted me to meet with the kid who’s vacating the job. I was led to another office and met with the current designer, and his first question (turned out to be his only question) was, "So, what do you like to do for fun?” Oh, for the love of dog…what the hell is the relevance of this question? And, quite frankly, what business is it of yours what I do for fun? What does this have to do with the JOB I am here to learn about? But, I played along, making silly pointless chit-chat about “Game of Thrones”…he then wrapped it up (and I realize again I wasn’t shown or told anything about the work I’d be doing in this role) and went out to get the HR rep. I sat there for quite some time, when some kid barged in and seemed somewhat shocked at my presence; I deduced that this must be his office and we were “squatting” while he was at lunch. He gave a “deer/headlights” look and stepped back out.

Good Lordie, this place is dysfunctional, I said to myself. The HR girl arrived and led me to the conference room, where I met with yet another twentysomething girl who asked me if I can show her any of my work. “Did you look at my URL/portfolio?” “Duh, noooooo, sorry, I didn’t.” Again, another point where I really should’ve just walked out. But I pulled out my tablet, showed her all my stuff and she proceeded to ask what software packages did I use for every single piece. Each time I gave the same answer, Photoshop, Illustrator and Cinema 4D, and to that she repeatedly responded with “Oh, we don’t use Cinema 4D at all here.” Okay, so you’ve repeatedly clarified that your team’s skills are not up to par with mine. Good for you.

That ended and she left to fetch the HR girl. I sat there waiting for about ten minutes, and in a repeat of what happened in the last meeting, some kid barged in hoping to use the room, was shocked to see me there, exhibited the “deer/headlights” look and scampered out.

The HR girl finally appeared, and I finally got the chance to ask, “Can I SEE some of the presentations or slides you do, that you expect this person to create?” “No, sorry, I can’t show you anything.”

Well, that was one big waste of time. Fortunately, I never heard from them again.

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Care.com

On June 20, 2014, I applied for a senior graphic designer position that this company advertised on LinkedIn. In the top-right corner of the job posting was the name and picture of their "senior talent acquisition manager." Of course, my application was ignored.

On August 19, the job was posted on one of the design job boards (Coroflot), with the same “senior talent acquisition manager” who simply didn't know what to do with the 100+ applicants from LinkedIn. So, let's just start over and post this job on a new job board, maybe this time we'll only get a dozen applicants! And, if we again get bombarded with resumes we'll just go dump the job on yet another job board and begin all over!

Of course, if I'm wrong and everyone from the LinkedIn posting was disqualified for some reason, I'd be curious to know what exactly WERE the real qualifications for candidates applying for this job. For instance, did they exclude everyone who wasn't a ditzy blonde-haired millennial? Did they disqualify anyone who is unemployed? I would truly love to know what they were looking for in the "perfect candidate" for this position. And, please, don't anyone dare tell me there are no qualified graphic designers in the current job market...I have yet to see a single design job posted on LinkedIn that didn't get at least 100 applicants, plus graphic designers are a dime a dozen, especially in this horrid state...

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Charles River Associates

In July 2015 I applied for a multimedia designer position here. Did not receive any response. On December 2, I received an email from their “senior recruiter,” saying, “Charles River is reopening our Multimedia Designer role, seeing you applied, and interested to speak to you further on your current interest and situation.” I replied that I’m still available and would love to talk with them about this role. The next day I had not heard back from her so I sent a follow up, she finally responded the next day with “We will get back to the interested candidates once we have schedule clearance from the hiring team.” (Seems she should have gotten "schedule clearance" first before bothering me, but whatever.) I never heard from her again.

I would just like to thank this woman for confirming that this job was completely FAKE when it was first advertised back in July (and probably was still fake in December).

EDIT, 01/17/17: One year later, the poor dears still can't seem to find a multimedia designer...

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Cigital

I applied here in February 2014 for a job that pretty much matched my background 100% (the description said "knowledge of Articulate a plus" -- yep, I’ve got that). First, I had a telephone screening with their HR rep. Upon passing his test, I was granted a telephone screening with the hiring manager. After that, I received an email from the HR rep:

[Name] mentioned he had a good conversation with you and would like to take next steps in having you do a screenshot exercise for him.

Attached is a doc with a number of screenshots from our current CBT courses. We’d like to ask if you could pick one screen (or more if they like) and discuss what you might do to improve the effectiveness of the visuals for teaching the concept described. You can just speak to it, or do a sketch, or whatever you like – just looking for a sense of how you would approach this.

Hooray, free work to perform! I always love giving out free design advice...*sigh*. Well, I replied with my design recommendations which *finally* led to my being invited in for an actual real live face-to-face interview.

I arrived, and noticed that there was no reception area (and no receptionist). Instead, there was a ping-pong table. Oh, dear.

This guy grilled me for over an hour (which included yet another little "test"), and I wondered just what more can I do here to prove I'm not stupid? Finally, he tripped me up (which I'm convinced is what he was trying to do from the start) with one final question, "How do you keep your skills up to date?"

Question time: How many of you routinely ask your family physician, "Hey, doc, when was the last time you took some medical classes to keep your skills fresh?" How about your mechanic? Or when you call a plumber to unclog your toilet? Right. Here's a little advice: stop asking this question. Not only is it insulting to the candidate, but it makes you sound downright silly.

Needless to say, he wasn’t impressed with my response, the interview ended, and I promptly received a rejection email, "I just wanted to get back with you and make you aware that he has decided to pursue another candidate, who’s background aligns a bit more closely to his needs." Not sure exactly where my background didn't "align" with his needs, but whatever. I concluded that had I been twenty years younger the outcome would have been vastly different here (see Dan Lyons' book "Disrupted" as further proof that professionals over the age of 30 are not welcome in Boston).

(Another word of advice to this company would be to get rid of the stupid ping-pong table and create a proper welcome area for your visitors.)

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Citizens Bank via some generic recruitment firm in India

In September 2013 I received an email from one of those recruitment firms based in India describing a contract Art Director position at Citizens Bank. Pay was good, but it was covering for a maternity leave which usually means when it's over, it's over. But the recruiter assured me there'd be a good chance for a long-term relationship, so I decided to go for it.

Landed an interview with the designer whom I'd be temporarily replacing; interview went very well, she said I'd have to come back and meet with her manager who was not available at the moment (had to leave early for some emergency with her kids). I said no problem, let me know when and I'll come back to meet with her.

The agency emailed me back with confirmation of interview with the manager. I arrived right on time at 1pm. The guard at the security desk in the lobby attempted to call this woman to inform her I was there, but he kept getting her voice mail. For twenty minutes I waited there while the security guard continued to try to reach this woman. Just as I took my keys out and prepared to leave she finally appeared; she had some ditzy smile plastered across her face completely oblivious to the fact that what she did was extremely rude, she barely apologized ("sorry for being late, couldn't find a meeting room"), led me up to said meeting room, and proceeded to go on and on about how she just doesn't know what she's going to do without [designer] because she just can't function without her!!! And all I could think of was that episode of "Seinfeld" where Elaine was interviewing for Jackie O's old job and the woman behind the desk just kept going on and on about how there's no replacing Jackie O. I always sympathized with Elaine's character when watching that scene; seriously, what DO you say in this scenario? Then she went into lecture mode about how when this gig is over don't expect any long-term work relationship (the opposite of what I was told by the recruiter). Again, what do you say (especially considering she wasn't even being friendly)? I then explained my work experience and skill set, after which she said something (I can't recall the exact words) that indicated she had not paid attention to one word I had just said. I pretty much lost it at this point by responding with something like, "I just told you I did that in my last job." Thankfully this "interview" came to an end right after that. Total interview time: ten minutes. I'd like to mention that I drove one hour each way for this.

I told the recruiter what had happened, especially with her being downright nasty to me; he said to not take it personally because she treats everyone that way. I brought up the "don't expect any work when it's over" issue which he again said to disregard...whatever. Never heard back about this job.

One month later, I got an email from the same recruiting agency for the same job, except that it had changed to part-time (20-30 hrs a week) and working from home. I emailed back explaining I believe I've already interviewed for this job; the previous recruiter called me and told me that they in fact hired NOBODY for that job. And, once again, I am left wondering just what the hell is going on in America...

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Citizens Bank via The Judge Group

On November 14, 2014, I received an email from a recruitment agency, The Judge Group, regarding a six-month contract position with Citizens in Providence. My initial reaction was to tell them they contacted the wrong person because the title in the summary was "Business Analyst." Here is the full job description:

This description alone should have warned me I was dealing with confused souls -- seriously, this is clearly a design job...but, no, they want a business person...but then, they don't want a business person, they want a designer...but then, no, they don't want a designer, they want a business person...I spoke to the woman who emailed me; I pointed out the goofy job title and she said they have since realized they do indeed need a creative person for the role. After some back/forth regarding my one-year employment gap (and demanding my references which they need to contact before even submitting me -- I flat out said "hell, no" to that), she agreed to submit me, which she supposedly did on November 18. The next day, I received the following email from her: "I wanted to let you know that Citizens is going to due to limited experience on the business side." Yeah, she didn't proof her message for grammar, I'm guessing the missing word here is "decline," but anyways...what sort of stupid excuse is this to reject me? Design IS a business and I have been working in the business world since 1986 (I have a BS in business administration).

Luckily, I did not expect a different outcome; it was more a wager of how stupid would the reason given be for disqualifying me.

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Commonwealth of Massachusetts

In 2013, when I realized my design career was over I began applying for jobs with the state of Stinkassachusetts, thinking certainly they’ll find my 27 years of work experience useful in some way (I was wrong -- I applied for dozens of state jobs, to no avail). This included regular postings for “word processing” positions open at various correctional institutes. I have my own term for these jobs: “prison typist.” After repeatedly being rejected for this glamorous role, I received a letter from one of the hiring managers, alerting me to yet another prison typist opening and "encouraging" me to apply...LOL. Here is the letter I sent in response:

Thank you for your letter encouraging me to apply for Posting J36687. I find it highly ironic and a bit amusing that it was your rejection of my application for the identical J37308 aka “prison typist” position that made me realize how pointless it was for me to continue applying for any state job posted on the CEO site.

 
I have been a successful member of the professional workforce for nearly 27 years. I type 130WPM (that includes 80WPM on a manual Underwood from my high school years); having recently concluded a career as a graphic designer you would not have found anyone more skilled in using a personal computer and all programs in the Office suite.

 
But clearly I just didn’t have what it takes to be deemed worthy of the position of prison typist. If you’d care to share with me what specifically was lacking from my experience that made me such a bad candidate for the prison typist job, I’d love to hear it. (Was it my age? or the fact that I don’t “know the right person?”)

Whatever it may have been, I’m fairly certain that I remain “unqualified” now for the latest prison typist opening. Hence, I will decline your invitation to reapply. After all, they say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the very definition of “crazy.” Good luck finding the “perfect” prison typist candidate. And thanks for the laughs.

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Covidien

This company is located right up the street from my now-former home, so my commute would have been a dream. They advertised for a designer in February 2013; I applied and heard nothing. They advertised for a designer again in July 2013; again, I applied and, again, I heard nothing. They advertised a design position again in August 2014. I applied. Nothing.

On September 4, 2014, I received an email from a recruiter at Resources Global Professionals: “We are working with a client who has a need for graphic designers for a year-long project in Mansfield, MA, that I thought might be a fit for you.” I immediately suspected the company was probably Covidien. I emailed back that I’d love to chat, but “please be aware that at 46 I am well beyond the desired age that companies require when hiring a designer. You may want to confirm with your client first whether they'd consider someone my age before investing any time in learning about my background.” We spoke very briefly on the phone. She confirmed the client was Covidien. I explained how I had applied there numerous times, most recently last month, and they won’t give me the time of day. This girl really didn’t know what to say to me and ended the call with the canned “I’ll keep you in mind should similar opportunities are” line.

On October 13, I received an email from a recruiter from the same recruitment agency. “We are currently looking for Graphic Designers as well as Artwork Planners/Coordinators for a large medical device client in Mansfield, MA for a 6-9 month project (or longer).”

So, there are multiple job openings, huh? And they’re still struggling to fill them? And I am still not qualified for even an interview (but I’m qualified to receive emails from recruiters telling me I’m a “good fit”)?

I emailed her back, “Thank you for your email, but unfortunately I know that this client (Covidien) will not consider anyone over the age of 45 for these positions, as I have applied multiple times (as recently as August) and have not even been worthy of a telephone interview.”

One would expect a normal human being in a similar position to get outraged at my accusation and do everything in his/her power to either defend their client against such accusations, or prove me wrong by landing me an interview with said client. Either direction would involve a little “work” from the recruiter.

Instead, here was her response: “Really?? We haven’t had that issue with them. I’m so sorry to hear that.”

And that was that. (Yeah, I’m sorry, too.)

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CVS

When it comes to job searching, Rhode Island is just as decrepit as Stinkassachusetts, if not worse (one comment I read in a discussion group said that the only way to get hired in this state is to have an Italian last name). Case in point: CVS. CVS is ALWAYS advertising for designers. Not once was I worthy of a response to my applications, whether they were my own submission through their website or via the many recruitment firms who’d routinely contact me with the usual “your background looks like a great fit for this job at CVS.” In July 2015 another recruiter contacted me about a design job at CVS, and I came right out and told him “no thanks” because it would be a waste of time and effort. He really went out of his way to convince me that he works very closely with the person hiring for this role and he can all but guarantee that I’ll at least get an interview. Okay, I’ll bite, I said. He submitted me, and…CVS was NOT interested in meeting with me. That's the last time I'll ever be swayed by a recruiter (and the last time I bother with CVS).

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EMC

Nick "Ask the Headhunter" Corcodilos devoted a post about my experience with this company. Read about it here.

For as long as I live, I'll remain baffled by this experience.

Here's a little advice for you hiring managers out there. When you encounter the perfect candidate, you don't insult them by ordering them to perform free work, nor do you subject them to an "approval by committee" cross-examination. You offer them the damned job.

This occurred in January 2015. As I said in the ATH post, I was lucky I could walk away from this nonsense as I had just received the offer to return to Fidelity (albeit that was a bad decision, but that's for another post). Seven months later, in July, I saw the exact same job advertised again. I emailed the HR rep asking if this was the same job for which I interviewed last winter; I received NO response. I concluded that this job was completely fake. My guess is that they were using the interview process as a means of soliciting free design ideas that they could then pass along to the design firm with whom they were working. Sadly, this is not the first time I’ve encountered this, which is why I absolutely refuse to work for free as part of the job application process. The only situation where I work for free is for a charity or as a favor to a close friend/relative. I do NOT work for free in exchange for you to maybe think about possibly becoming interested in considering me. Had they offered to compensate me for completing these projects at my freelance rate or even hired me as a contractor for a week I’d have embraced this opportunity to prove I was more than qualified for this job. In summary, just another very sad display of how the hiring process in this country has deteriorated.

Of course, I have a sneaking suspicion that had I been twenty years younger I'd have been immediately hired.

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Eze Software

I continue to apply for jobs in Stinkassachusetts merely as a joke. Sure enough, the people and companies never fail to disappoint.

This dinky company advertised for a designer. I applied and was blessed with a telephone screening with their recruiter. This guy had the personality of an uncooked potato, the whole thing lasted a whopping ten minutes, and I received his rejection email a mere 24 hours later.

I wonder what it was that disqualified me, hmmm...looking through the pictures they have on their Glassdoor page (young kids, definitely nobody over 40), I really shouldn't have expected any better.

Regarding the stupid picture of them playing pool...I play APA-league pool, 8-ball on Mondays and sometimes 9-ball on Wednesdays. I don't come in to the office to play pool (or ping-pong, or nerf football). I come in to the office to work. If I want to play pool, I'll do it with my team. Sad that this kind of work ethic is frowned upon today.