The word “gaslighting” has been appearing quite a bit these days, mostly in the
discussions about domestic abuse. I previously shared my observation that
today’s job market can easily be categorized as abusive. After reading an old
thread on the Indeed forum, and noticing that, coincidentally, the movie
“Gaslight” was on TCM this week, I thought I’d take my observations a little
further and make a direct parallel between gaslighting and looking
for work in today’s America.
Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain
more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than
you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common
technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done
slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. For
example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point
where she thinks she is losing her mind.
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a
day
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, partner, boss
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in
your life, you aren't happier
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends
and family
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so
you don't have to explain or make excuses
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express
what it is, even to yourself
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists
10. You have trouble making simple decisions
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person -
more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed
12. You feel hopeless and joyless
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" friend/spouse/employee/child
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family
so you don't have to explain or make excuses
I read over this list, and was rather disturbed by how many of these
points resonate with me as a job seeker. For example:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
By July 2013, after having applied and applied and applied for jobs and
barely getting so much as a phone screening, my confidence began to take a
serious nose dive. By September, when that list of rejections hit 500, my
psyche was shattered to the point where I began debating suicide. During this
whole time, I blamed myself for my predicament, i.e., “what did I do for this
to be happening to me?” Because, certainly, it was something I did. It had to
be. And, if I can screw up that badly, then I might as well throw in the towel on this thing called life.
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a
day
Every rejection email I received would send me into an emotional
downward spiral, a cocktail of shock, hurt, anger, and depression. And, rather than developing "thicker skin," with each new rejection, the emotion didn’t dissipate. I tried to calm myself with the usual “they’re
not worth it” defense mechanism we’ve all been taught since childhood, but it didn't help.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in
your life, you aren't happier.
I couldn’t understand why, with all my skills and years of experience, could I not attract the
attention of one decent human being looking to hire a designer.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite
express what it is, even to yourself.
Even when I had given up and began preparing to end my life, my common sense remained intact, and I knew
deep down inside that there was something very wrong going on here. I didn’t know what that was specifically, but I definitely knew
it (I even gave that title to my other blog).
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
Like many long-term unemployed folks, I had to resort to lying about
the gap on my resume when blessed with the occasional telephone screening with
some HR twat or recruiter, i.e., “I’m not unemployed, I’m freelancing/contracting/self-employed!”
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person -
more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was somewhat happy (happy enough,
at least) pre-2013 when I was able to land those contract-with-no-benefits jobs
which at least permitted me to pretend to have a “normal” middle class life. I
used to love shopping (haven’t shopped in years), I loved Christmas (fuck
Christmas now), I loved shooting pool with my old team (had to quit because I
couldn’t afford the membership fees), I loved reading my monthly National
Geographic (had to cancel my subscription), I loved my little condo (I had to
sell it and move into mom’s basement). What is there left to be “joyous” about?
Only time will tell if the psychological damage I’ve suffered is permanent.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
Eventually, I began to question whether I was capable of doing
anything, including any kind of job, be it designer or secretary or delivery driver or toilet scrubber, despite the
evidence of my work history. After all, 2,000+ rejections can’t be wrong,
right?
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" friend/spouse/employee/child
I wondered if I shouldn’t do the world a favor and commit suicide, and
thus “decrease the surplus population.”
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family
so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
When assholes try to be “helpful” with their job advice circa 1992 (“Have
you tried a temp agency?”), I have to bite my tongue. Answering truthfully to
these fools would lead to me losing my temper and thus make me appear unstable.
______
One of the most insidious things about gaslighting is the denial of reality. Being denied what you have seen. Being denied what you have experienced and know to be true. It can make you feel like you are crazy. But you are not crazy.
My reality has been attacked from so many directions, from the
government’s 4% unemployment rate to every person who hears/believes this
statistic and says, “You just don’t want a job!” Recall this Reddit asstroll about whom I previously wrote. This was a
good example of gaslighting. His message to me was abusive (“the world doesn’t
owe you a job”), insulting (accusing me of attacking interviewers when I did no such thing), and not even close to helpful. Had I encountered this creep back
in late 2013, I might have permitted myself to react in the worst way possible
(as in, I’d have taken it as a sign that it was time for me to end it all).
_______
Sign #1: Lies
A gaslighter's main objective is to confuse you. Because of this, they
don't really care whether their lies are blatant and obvious. When they say
something that is obviously untrue, they will still say it with a straight
face.
Even if you have proof, they will often stick to their guns. This is
all a tactic to keep you off-kilter. Eventually, they will attempt to make you
believe that everything they say is the reality.
It will start off with something as simple as: "I didn't say
that." But over time it will turn into something more disturbing, such as
threatening to expose you as a liar or a fraud, when really you are neither of
those things.
The more sure you are that they are wrong, and the more frustrated you
get, the more they will persevere with their lies.
Look at my “fake job alert” posts. Company advertises a job, company
rejects you when you apply for said job, company proceeds to re-advertise the
exact same job. But, no, it’s not the “same job,” see, it’s got a different
number in the ATS! Not the same job at all! Never mind that the description is
an exact duplicate of the previous one! Hey, we’re not posting FAKE jobs, not
at all! How dare you insinuate such a thing? And we’re NOT discriminating
against folks over 30, pay no mind to the pictures on our website!
An even better example happens when you escalate your complaint to the
company CEO, resulting in a completely non-apologetic “we’re sorry YOU think we
did something wrong” apology – see IBM and State Street.
Sign #2: Isolation
Abusive people like to use the people around you as weapons. According
to Sarkis, if you have children, a gaslighter will tell you that it was a
mistake to have them. They will try and make you believe that you are
worthless, and nothing else can compare to how important your relationship is.
They may say tell you your friend actually hates you, or your brother
thinks you are useless. These are almost certainly lies, but when they are
reinforcing your mind with the same stories over and over again, some of them
may start to stick.
"Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people
they know will stand by them no matter what — and they use these people against
you," Sarkis writes. "When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes
you feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to — and that leads you right
back to the gaslighter. And that's exactly what they want: Isolation gives them
more control."
I have read many stories of unemployed people who were forced to take
time off from work to take care of a family member. As a result, they are now
officially “unemployable,” because, you see, having a job is the only thing that matters today. To hell with taking care of your family. If you put a loved one's interests over working, well, that just goes to show you aren't worthy of working.
Sign #3: Positive reinforcement
One of the most confusing — and effective — things a gaslighter can do
is be nice to you. If someone was truly nasty and insulting towards you 100% of
the time, the relationship probably wouldn't have gotten very far. However,
when someone starts gaslighting you, they've already established a relationship
with you that you believe is meaningful.
"Naturally, the abuse persists, and you’re never sure if it
happened," Neo said. "Because the next day, he is so charming or so
remorseful — or a mixture of both."
When a relationship starts with someone abusive — often a narcissist, a
sociopath, or a psychopath — they will "love-bomb" you. According to
a blog post in Psychology Today by psychiatrist Dale Archer, love-bombing is a
tactic when somebody showers you with affection, and makes you feel like the
luckiest person in the world.
However, the love-bombing, or idealisation, stage is quickly followed
by the devaluation and discard stages, where you start to be insulted and
wonder where on earth things started to go wrong.
The idea is that when they take this love and affection away, you will
do anything within your power to try and get it back. You blame yourself for
them changing the way they acted towards you, and you compromise yourself time
and time again to get the perfect partner back again. You can't though, because
that person never really existed.
Gaslighters will throw in the odd compliment, or the rare gift, to make
you believe that it's the real them, and whenever they are angry at you, or
abusing you, it's because you did something wrong.
Wow, there is so much here to address! Yes, recruiters and HR twats are
ever so nice to you when they first reach out to you about your job
application. Recruiters in particular go out of their way to tell you they just
love what they see in your resume/background and promise you the world, and
every call ends where they sound like your new BFF…and then you never hear from
them again. With HR, they admit you’re perfect for the job as you’ve got every
single qualification in the ad, and they tell you they’ll send your resume off
to the hiring manager who’s “looking to act quickly on this job.” And, if the
hiring manager passes on your candidacy, they’ll certainly give you feedback as
to what was lacking in your experience/background. The next thing you get is a
standard regurgitated rejection email (with no feedback as to why you were
rejected).
My experience with Bain was probably the best example of this sign of gaslighting. I had two telephone screenings (the “love-bombing” stage), then an
in-person interview, then…nothing (“devaluation and discard”). When I finally
confronted them, they followed up with the “compliment/gift” of an email telling me
that despite my “impressive background” I’m not qualified for the job.
The idea is that when they take this love and affection away, you will
do anything within your power to try and get it back. You blame yourself for
them changing the way they acted towards you, and you compromise yourself time
and time again to get the perfect partner back again. You can't though, because
that person never really existed.
Here, I’m reminded of NetCracker. I was so certain the woman liked me
and that I had made a perfect impression. When I got that rejection email, I
was in a state of shock. I did blame myself -- since they didn’t tell me
HTML/CSS coding was now a huge factor in the candidate’s background,
I didn’t talk much about my HTML/CSS experience listed on my resume, so clearly this is my fault! I debated
replying to them and shouting in all caps that I have no problem using HTML/CSS
but realized I’d be wasting my time. A few months later, they re-advertised the
exact same job, then again in June 2014. That job never really existed.
Sign #4: Projection
If the gaslighting partner is a drug addict, that's what they will
accuse you of being. If they cheat on you, they will say you are the one being
unfaithful.
It's a distraction technique, according to Sarkis, because it keeps you
on your toes, and makes you feel like you should be defending yourself. You're
so busy doing this, the gaslighter gets away with whatever they want to.
Not quite projection but just as perverted, is when hiring managers say that “having additional skills such as X and Y are
a plus,” skills that you do indeed have. Then they reject you because having X
and Y makes you “overqualified.” Also, companies say they want someone “eager
to learn new things and share ideas!” Yet, when I was interviewed by a number
of companies (like this dumb place) and it was evident my list of skills was greater than their team’s skills, it was “oh, no, we don’t
use that program here and we have no intention of learning that, we expect you to
dumb yourself down to our level and fit in with the team.” And then you get
rejected because of “cultural fit.”
Companies also write job descriptions where they proclaim they are “looking
for the best and brightest” but then stipulate that the candidate cannot have
more than a certain number of years’ experience, i.e., “must have 3 to 5 years’
experience.” So, how exactly are they
getting “the best?” How is someone with five years of experience automatically
and blindly better than someone with six years of experience, or, say, twenty?
Sign #5: 'You're crazy'
Sarkis says this is one of the most important tactics to look out for.
If someone ever dismisses your point of view as "crazy," you need to
really consider why they are doing it.
It's dismissive and patronising, and it doesn't take your feelings into
account. It makes you feel like you are not being heard. Worst of all, the more
often the gaslighter calls you crazy, the more likely you are to finally
believe it.
The level of dismissiveness that the unemployed must face is
nauseating. Other standard accusations include having a "bad attitude” and being a "whiner.” Again, look at the aforementioned Reddit asstroll, or the politician
who claims that the economy is booming so “if you’re not working it’s because
you don’t want to work.”
Now, let’s take a look at that Indeed forum thread I mentioned at the
beginning of this post. It’s an oldie, having started a full decade ago, and the theme is
one with which any job seeker is familiar – “Employers who don't respond to applicants.” Scroll about halfway down the first page, note the appearance of one “Headhunter
in Orlando, Florida.” Here we have an ordinary “rant” thread full of frustrated
unemployed job seekers airing their legitimate gripes, and an abusive “headhunter”
who shows up to tell everyone that everything they’ve observed and experienced
isn’t real, calls them “whiners,” and attacks them personally with “I think the
reason you are unemployed is your poor attitude and lack of professional
experience.”
Solid irony is a headhunter who claims to be professionally successful yet has oodles of time to spend in a discussion group for the unemployed. It's also become quite the standard these days for one of these "recruitment" folks to appear in a discussion group like this one and hurl insults at everyone in the genuine but misguided belief that this will somehow be construed as "helpful." Gaslighting. Bigly.
Here's a more recent example, in the "Why am I having such a hard time finding a job" thread. Right on cue, along comes "Average_HR_Guy in Michigan" to fling feces at everyone.
What "just about every piece of research" are they talking about? Because every piece of research I keep seeing reveals continued head-scratching analyses over why wages remain stagnant. A simple Google search confirms this...
Oh, and here's a nice little design job (disguised as a "marketing assistant" role) recently advertised by some affiliate of Sotheby's (not exactly a poor company) in Boston (one of the most expensive cities in America) that pays a whopping $12 to $16 per hour (reminder: $12/hour is what I earned back in 1992).
But, no, none of this is real. "You're crazy! Pay no mind to the evidence!" says the gaslighter.
The desired effect: You're under their spell
Once they've worn you down, the gaslighter will have you where they
want you. You'll be agreeable to everything they say and you will no longer
question them when they blatantly lie to you. You'll be confused and
disoriented, and feel like you have nobody left around you to trust.
"Because you don’t trust yourself, and instead have been
conditioned — rewarded or punished accordingly," Neo said. "You fade
away into a shell of who you are."
In other words, the gaslighter now has complete control.
Luckily, I snapped out of it during year #2 and recognized this for what it was: an
abusive relationship marked by boatloads of gaslighting. While I’m lucky to
have, er, survived this ordeal, I’m left pondering why America is treating its
citizens so miserably. Is the aim to convince undesirables (over 40,
unattractive) to commit suicide and “decrease the surplus population?” Who
knows…
